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George Carlin

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  • One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

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  • If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

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  • I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

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  • Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

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  • Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

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  • Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

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  • I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

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  • When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

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  • What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

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  • Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

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  • Always do whatever's next.

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  • When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

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  • Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

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  • Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

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  • Religion is just mind control.

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  • By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

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  • I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

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  • You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

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  • You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

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  • One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

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  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

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  • In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

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  • I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

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  • I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

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  • Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

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  • Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

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  • I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

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  • There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

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